


How Voldemort Lost His Nose

by 19_empty_vacancies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Fanart Welcome, Gen, Piercings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 16:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19976818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/19_empty_vacancies/pseuds/19_empty_vacancies
Summary: Voldemort is really feeling himself on bright day and is setting out to complete his dare from Draco Malfoy. What happens after is an unfortunate event.





	How Voldemort Lost His Nose

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2011 and it’s been sitting in my notebook and I finally decided to share it with the public. I wrote it for my friend Tori as an inside joke and now you get to have it with absolutely no context.

It was a crisp day in Surrey, lovely really. The sky was blue, birds were singing, kids were playing and Lord Voldemort actually looked human today. With hair, non red snakeish eyes and  _ EYEBROWS!  _ But more than that, it was shocking, terrifying, it struck  _ fear _ into the hearts of many. Voldemort was —pause for effect— SMILING! Not a Slytherin smirk like what Lucius Malfoy had on his face beside him, but a proper smile. 

“I don’t see why you have to do this. It’s so incredibly stupid.” Malfoy said, once again trying to get his Lord to see reason. “I mean, you’ve already grown a moustache, is this really necessary?”

Lord Voldemort rolled his eyes. “Oh honestly, Lucy. I’ve told you repeatedly, I grew the moustache because I felt I would be taken more seriously. And besides, most evil overlords have moustaches. So  _ there _ .” Voldy exclaimed with a sharp nod. 

“Yes, My Lord, I understand your reasoning towards your moustache, no matter how strange they may be considering you’re basing your belief off of muggle cartoons, but this is just  _ ridiculous _ .”

“Lucius, the rules of truth or dare are  _ clear _ , once dared you  _ must  _ fulfil it.”

“Tom, my son gave you that dare.”

“So?”

“He’s an idiotic fifteen year old.”

“ _ Again _ , so?”

Lucius sighed and shook his head. “Never mind.”

**The next day…**

“Oh ow! Ow, ow, ow,  _ owww _ ! Man, my nose has an  _ owie _ !” Voldemort moaned as he rolled over in his green sheets. 

And then the past day’s occurrences flooded back to him like chocolate in a fondue fountain. 

“ _ Ohhhhhh. That’s  _ why my nose hurts,” Voldemort exclaimed and climbed out of his four poster bunk bed and, once again forgetting to use the ladder and landing flat on his face with an “oof!”

The bedroom door swung open so quickly it hit the wall and slammed closed again before the person could even say anything. The door opened again and Bellatrix stood there worried. 

“Are you alright, My Lord? I heard a fairly loud bang…” Bellatrix’s brows furrowed momentarily. “Er...My Lord, why are you wearing a pink fluffy kids onesie?”

By now Voldemort had rolled onto all fours and pushed himself up off the ground. “ _ Because,  _ Bella! They’re so comfy and incredibly soft.” He said the last bit looking down at himself as he ran his fingers over the soft material. The image was quite disturbing for he was once again quite snake looking. 

Er. Either way that’d be disturbing. 

Bellatrix stifled a giggle. “Sir, is that a ring in your nose?”

Voldemort puffed out his chest with pride, hands on his hips. “Yes, why yes it is. Don’t you just love it?”

“Oh yes, My Lord,” Bellatrix said, tears of silent mirth falling down her face as she struggled not to laugh. “Your nose ring goes well with your moustache.”

At that Voldy smiled, a faint blush tinging his cheeks. “Yes, well, I said the same thing to Lucius but I think he started laughing.”

Bellatrix nodded and wiped her eyes. “Yes, well, I’ll leave you to get changed out of your...onesie.”

And with that she left. 

_ Dear Professor Dumbledore, _

_ I feel it has been far too long since we last saw each other and I feel we should fill the gap with a meeting. Would you be so kind as to meet me at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour at 10:30am today.  _

_ Yours truly, _

_ Tom Riddle (Lord Voldemort) _

  
  


McGonagall smiled at Dumbledore. “Oh how nice, the boy want to meet up.”

“Yes I agree. It is very nice of him to request a meeting. I’ll go put on my lovely purple robes. And then I’ll head out.” He stood and walked over to his wardrobe and Minerva got a chance to marvel at his naked backside once again.    
  


“And she was like ‘ _ Why are you wearing a onesie?’”  _

Dumbledore’s eyes widened as he gasped and leaned back in his seat. “No she  _ didn’t _ ?!”

“Yes, she did! Honestly, it’s like she’s never felt how comfortable they are.”

“Honestly, Tom, I have no idea how you can deal with that woman. She always was a bit of a handful. Now, seriously,  _ what is up  _ with that nose ring? It looks fab _ ulous _ !” Dumbledore said, singing the end of ‘fabulous’. 

“Well I was playing truth or dare with Draco right, and he dared me to get my nose pierced and  _ voilà _ !” Voldemort exclaimed with a hand flourish. “Lucius doesn’t like it.”

“Well I don’t see why not. It looks amazing, as does your moustache.  _ Very  _ Tom Selleck.”

“Oh why thank you, Albus.”

“You’re quite welcome, Tom.”

As they continued to chat and gossip over the things that have been going on in their lives while eating their strawberry and boysenberry swirl ice cream, Dumbledore got an idea. 

“Tom, do you mind if I practice a spell on you? It’s supposed to clear the face of any blemishes and I’ve noticed that you have got a few black heads.”

“Oh my god, do I?” Voldy cried, his hands flying to cover his nose. 

“Yes my old friend. Would you like me to get rid of them for you?”

“PLEASE!”

Albus nodded and pulled out his wand and with a few twirls and swirls of his hand and an incantation spoken reminiscent of some Shakira ad libs, a jet of sparkly blue light hit Voldy straight on the nose. The force of the spell enough to tip the man back in his seat. Dumbledore got up and helped his companion to his feet. 

It was then that he got a clear view of Voldy’s face. It had appeared that he had messed up the incantation because now instead of a nose he had slits in his face for nostrils and that was all. Oddly enough though, he still had the gold ring in his left nostril. 

Er. If you could call it that. 

“Oh dear…” Dumbledore said. 

“What? Did it work? Am I all beautiful now?” 

“Er…” Dumbledore summoned a hand mirror. “Now, Tom, before you say anything I’d like to say that you look quite dashing.”

With that, he handed the mirror over. 

“Great Merlin’s saggy balls!” Voldemort cried. “You got rid of my nose! AND MY MOUSTACHE!”

And it was then that Voldemort swore his revenge on Albus Dumbledore for destroying his nose, looks and his most wonderful full moustache. 

**If this was a film this would be where a credit would roll before fading to black and then fading back in to a new, final, after credit scene. Like those Marvel movies but actually good.**

Voldemort, with his head bowed in depression, walked into Malfoy Manor. His usually flamboyant energy missing as he shuffled along calling out a weak “I’m home!”

Lucius appeared in the hall with a bright smile. “Well? How did it go with Dumbledore?”

To answer his question, Lord Voldemort raised his head so Malfoy could see his face. 

“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Lucius screamed, sounding like a little girl standing in a lake after something hand touched her foot. 

“WHAT DID HE DO TO YOUR MAGNIFICENT MOUSTACHE?!”


End file.
